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Friday, July 4th, 2003
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12:49 pm
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| Tuesday, December 31st, 2002
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1:13 pm - im sick & tired of feeling this way, sick & tired of being alone.....
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schlenk666
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thats it im going on a diet....i just dont feel comfprtable in my own skin any more.....i feel shitty.....oh one of the guys who thinks im beautiful smiles every time he sees me.....its a lil weird....im lonely...i want someone to be with me...oh well....that sux major ass...i feel depressed, numb and empty.... reasons for me to want to cut....but no...i cant...too many ppl will be disappointed in me...and im sick of make ppl mad at me...im already mad at myself for being this way.....i dont need others to feel the same.....o look im whinning about my stupid life again...surprise surprise....my monthly bitch fest..and its always the same..."im fat, im ugly, im depressed, bla bla bla bla"......whats the point im always gonna hate myself i should just get used to it and move on right???...right...who cares if i hate the way i look, the way i feel, the way i hate every single thing about me?? no one thats right....no one.....just me....who cares if nobody gives a shit about me and that practacly no one has seen me @ on of my low points and could do something about it??? i mean who really gives a shit if i live or die??? no one....cause no one cept for a handful has seen the "real me".....no one has really seen all there is to see..i put up this wall that ppl have to struggle to get through and even when u think uve seen the other side u havent..its just more lies to make u think uve really seen it all...i dont know if i be willing to let any one in all the way....i dont think i can trust enough to do that....im too afraid to get hurt..im too afraid that when theyve seen it all they will look away w/ shame in their eyes or just be so let down by what they see cause they made me out to be something special and worthy of their love and attention....they will relize that im not special....they will see that im nothing more than shit....to be honest i dont even know who the real me is.....maybe ive been to afraid to look into myself and find that out....maybe i dont trust myself enough to find out who i am.....maybe im afraid that if i do ill look away w/ shame in my eyes....perhaps thats y i have the lies and the walls hiding me.....maybe its not just to save me from the thoughts of others....maybe its to save me from the thoughts of myself.....i dont want to know whats behind it all....i dont want to know who i am....what if i hate that person more than the on ive created....ive lied so many times and did so many things to myself that i dont know who i am...and that sux....its worse than all the other shit i feel...im nothing but a loser....what if i look inside and i find out that im boring and average?...what if im someone who i cant stand to be w/?......i cant just lock it up and go back pretending....once the flood gates are open its over and the lies are dead and the can never come back
current mood:  lonely
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
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4:23 pm - visual breakdown
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bloodysoul203
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AHHHHHHHH!!! what is wrong with me? why do i have to be like this? i trully don't get myself. I'm being ditched by two people who i thought were my friends. They seem to have some odd thing going on, and they prefer to just cut me out of their conversations. Will be in class and she just gets up and runs over to sit behind him and scratch his back. Then they'll sit at the lab table, talk, do their work, and laugh. They use to wave me over or at least look at me like "why aren't you coming over?" but now they sit with their backs to the class and don't even bother to say hi. I use to get that "nod" from him and she use to be all excited to see me. Now its just a glance from him and a slight happiness from her. We were like three peas in a pod but now I'm the third wheel that has been detached. I use to sit next to her and we'd be across from him. Now he sits near the couner and she sits on the end so it's a V shape facing me, and she's always scratching his back or he scratchs hers. I use to scratch his and then he'd scratch both of ours. OH plus she does all his work for him! She has a freaking boyfriend. I don't get what happened? What did I do? It hurts me and makes me so freaking mad, i just wanna scream! OH then there is Tyler. What a wonderful world that is. I like him, he likes me but he likes Amada more. What a wonderful happy world. I just dunno, she walks up and he completely forgets that I exist. My day has been rather crappy. :) I snapped sunday and cut, I almost cut last night, and right now i'm going to clean my house so that I wont cut. I'm losing myself again, and I'm scared. I know people care about me, but for goodness sakes i'm not caring about myself. i just don't understand this world anymore? I also have to write David a letter and mail it, plus put the shoe laces in my shoes, vaccum the house, boil 6 eggs for my mom, straighten up the house as well as put my room together. I just moved back into it. All by myself. I wanna say fuck that, call amy and cry to her about my pathetic life. i'm cold. bye
current mood: cold
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 3rd, 2002
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12:43 am - :: sigh ::
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bloodysoul203
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this is my day
5:50am - woke up and looked at clock knew i had to get up, but went back to bed.
6:20am - woke up and jumped outta bed, got dressed woke up sister, mom walked in on my going to the bathroom, "screams", then starting setting up for Garage Sell, made 59 dollars, woo whoo! split with sister.
12:00pm - cleaned up the left over garage sell, took dogs to grooming, drops meds off at alberstons and used the CoinStar thing.
1:00pm - My sis and I went shoping. Went to Sally's and got some hair dye, went to Target and got some new make-up, went to Walmart and got some shirts for work, and went to Bells and got some new thongs.
3:15pm - went back to Alberstons got meds, and then got a hot dog at a stand.
3:30pm - got home showed mom stuff, called Cameron, took shower.
4:30pm - went to work.
5pm to 10:15pm - at work with Sean, it was okay really slow, only got 9bucks in the tip outs. Stupid group of people complained about food. They show up 15mins before closing, and its been slow all night, they think that we have all this stuff just waiting for them. 1st they complain cuz there isn't enough room in the smoking section so they just take over a table in the non smoking, then complain cuz the food is cold, then the food is cooked to much, then the cook forgot to make a hot dog after 2 complaints all ready (their lucky the cook wasn't spitting in it) so they refused to eat the food and wouldn't pay for it. ::rolls eyes:: so we had to bus this table full of fucking GREAT food. I was so pissed off.
10:30pm - got home watched the end of "Silence of the Lambs" with my mom. Tried calling people! NO ONE!!!! Greg was/is awake but on the phone with a girl. *no names*
So, from then on just sitting on my ass waiting for Cameron, Steph, and Dopey to show up. I told Greg to call when he got off the phone with her, so i can complain about my day to him. :: sigh :: Wish Bunny was on. It's all ready 12:38am and Cameron hasn't even showen up yet, tonight is gonna suck major dick. UGHS!!!! I feel so alone. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. And, cut...i haven't wanted to in a long time but i do...i really really do.
current mood: cold
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 31st, 2002
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10:13 am - FUCK ME HARD!!!
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schlenk666
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im screwed royally....i thought u guys should know as soon as i found out.....on monday ill find out if i get to come back to nd or not.......well actually if i do get the boot they will put that i decided to be dismessed insted of saying i was expeled.....they say its not cause of the days i missed but the work...i tried to make the work up, but there is only so much work u can do in one night....if i get expeled i have to go to a public school....that means i wont be @ prom ...what am i gonna do??? im not good w/ new ppl in new schools....and im not very good w/ making new friends....its too hard for me to trust ppl to make new ones.....im gonna be alone for the next 2 years.....i know that i put all this on myself......y did i have to be so stupid????? y did i have to get so sick for so long???? im so stupid...im crying over something i did to myself......this is all my fucking fault.......i hate this.....now ill be even more alone than i thought i was....ill have no friends at a new school......i hate myself for this.....i really do....but its all my fault....anyways.....i wont be there manana because the devil woman (mrs nemergut) said i shouldnt bother coming cause its a 1/2 day....the worst part of this is that i wont even know until monday if im out or not...i have to wait w/ all this stress and anxiety for 3 days......what if i do something stupid to myself....what if i fail???? do u really think i can handle having no one to talk to @ a new school???? i dont.....im totally and compleatly fucked....anyways im prolly boring w/ the whining.......
current mood: melancholy
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 20th, 2002
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1:39 pm
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schlenk666
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i still havent seen matt..i miss him...um...ive been really depressed lately..i dont really know y.....i just hate this fucking feeling..i dont want to be me no more...its just not fun....i feel like everybody is against me..and that no one really gives 2 shits about me and what happenes to me..w/ my fucking luck im right....everybody hates me...and if they love me i really dont understand it....i really dont deserve any of it...i deserve to be alone....im a bad fucking person....i lie to everyone about how i really feel...im shit....im nothing
current mood: depressed
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, July 12th, 2002
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1:28 am
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sittingnitemare
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Gah.... *twidles thumbs*
.....I'm wide awake.. n it's 2:30 am... Lookin to make some friends.... ;-)
current mood:  awake
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, July 1st, 2002
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4:14 am
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acid_rose
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*pokes the newbie* hiya, we don't really talk that much in here anymore..so..feel free to raise hell..i am always looking for entertainment XD
current mood:  amused
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(comment on this)
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12:14 am
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sittingnitemare
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^_^ *has been poked* hmm.... interesting reaction...but what does it mean? =P
**makes a small house out of Q-tips and cotton balls**
...Masterpiece...
current mood:  bored
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(comment on this)
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12:14 am
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| Friday, May 24th, 2002
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11:34 am - My Personal Site
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nightjasmine
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Feel free to check it out and tell me what you think in the gb if you like.
Hugs and Howls
Ravenwolf
current mood:  creative
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, May 13th, 2002
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2:40 pm - FUCK
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schlenk666
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i was bored so i was looking at random DJs and one of Alex's friends bobs came up....being curious i looked at his site.....he has some bullshit site about my father where he stole my pics and on top of that shit he makes fun of my father and my family....that is fucked up......i know i have done nothing to bob ever.....i was nice to him and so was my family.....my family is none of his fucking business.....he even made fun of my dad being blind.....i dont understand y these shit heads do this fucking crap all the fucking time.....i fucking hate them.....
current mood:  pissed off
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 27th, 2002
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11:06 am
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| Wednesday, April 24th, 2002
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10:47 am
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schlenk666
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im not doing good at all.....for a while i didn't have any urges to cut and i wasn't even feeling that depressed.....but lately i keep wanting to just kill myself and get it all over w/....i just want to grab my fucking razor and just slit my god damn wrists.....but i dont want to fucking die....i just want to get rid of the way i feel...i cant deal feeling like this all the time.....i really cant....i cant act like everything is all right while im in so much fucking pain....i cant keep going on w/ the depression and the god damn cutting....i just cant handle being like this anymore....
current mood: depressed
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 18th, 2002
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6:41 pm
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schlenk666
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today my mom was supposed to pick me up early from school cause she had to go somewhere and no one was there to watch erika, so i go to the office when i was supposed to and she didnt show up until 2 hours later....she went to the fucking beach w/ my sis and her boyfriend.....while i sat by my self in a fucking boiling office(the ac broke)she was swimming and having fun totally forgeting about me....then we went to the milford mall, we went to 1 fucking store and then she starts saying she wants to go home cause her sun burn hurt....stuff like this makes me feel like shit it makes it seem like her and her bf r more important than me...maybe im over reacting but stuff like this hurts....i get ignored by everyone else and now my own mother is doing the same shit..
current mood: pissed off
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 13th, 2002
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1:58 am
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| Tuesday, April 9th, 2002
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8:20 pm
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schlenk666
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acording to some messages i got one my last entry it was one of his friends and that he wants a public apology.....hes not getting shit from me....its been 8 fucking months since i last spoke to him....its time for him and all his friends to just leave me alone...i have nothing to start this shit....i was happy not even realizing they exist,,,but no that cant happen....they just want me to regret ever letting them into my life.....y wont they grow up
current mood: bitchy
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, April 8th, 2002
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12:49 pm
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schlenk666
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yesterday i went to cindy's....it was fun.....steph got drunk off 1 1/2 glasses of wine....she is such a light weight....the other day SOMEONE (cant say the name cause all this shit will start) imed me.....just look at this fucking convo:
somebody [9:41 PM]: your sexy
El Meow [9:42 PM]: what???
Auto response from somebody [9:42 PM]: merry christmas!
somebody [9:42 PM]: :-*
El Meow [9:42 PM]: um...k?
somebody [9:42 PM]: i wanna have sex w/ u
El Meow [9:43 PM]: u have a girlfriend.....and there is no way i will
somebody [9:43 PM]: why not
El Meow [9:44 PM]: because....u have a girlfriend and because i dont feel that way towards u at all
El Meow [9:45 PM]: well...anyways...im have to get off l8r
isnt that interesting....god i hate that fucking dick...
current mood:  hungry
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 7th, 2002
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8:55 am - My Community
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vxshatteredxv
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Okay, i'm taking a few seconds to plug my new community, forgive me please, i made a community ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif?v=88.8) dark_images this is a place for people to post either personal pictures or art.... Goth, Fetish or anything else thats kind of abnormal is welcome
Thanks :)
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 19th, 2002
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10:50 am
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schlenk666
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my aunt went online a searched for my name....she found shit about me cutting.....she told my grandfather and now he has his nose in my buissness....she had no fucking right to look up my name just to find out some personal info about my.....i dont do shit like that to her....this is just one of the fucking reasons i hate my fucking family they never mind their own buissness......fuck them.....
current mood: sick
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(comment on this)
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